Bad Guys in Conference
by DoubtlessLemons
Summary: Several notorious villains try to form an organization. Dysfunctional hilarity ensues.


Bad guys in conference

It was a small room. Not really small, but the kind of small room you would not want to host a dance party in. However, it was definitely too large to play golf in… well, too large if you were approximately the size of an ant. At the moment, neither golf nor dancing was going on in this room, but rather it was occupied with a long table with many chairs around it. In some of these chairs sat person's who would rather be somewhere else, and it was not as if anyone was keeping them there. They simply had nowhere to go.

The small room stayed silent for quite a while, and if anyone had anywhere to go, they would most certainly have left to go there by now. The fact is they were all waiting for he who gave the invitations out to arrive himself. Several of them thought it rude to invite people and not bother to show up on time, but said people kept their opinions to themselves.

At long last, the only door in the room swung open and allowed entrance to the invitation giver. Oh, if you are asking, then yes, the door indeed has the choice of allowing someone entrance, put that in your pipe and smoke it. The man with a rather shiny bald head and tacky purple outfit sat down at the head of the table. Lex Luthor cleared his voice, which took longer than one would think due to the high amount of pollution in the city of Metropolis, and began.

"Welcome fellow villains to our first annual-"

"Now hold on." Lex was interrupted by a small man with dark hair and sharp hair cut. The man went on, "I came here because I got an invitation and, frankly, had nowhere else to go. But still, I don't quite think I classify as a 'villain'."

Lex sighed and cleared his throat, taking some time once again, and explained, "You are too modest to say such, Simon Cowell! Why, your evil plagues millions of Americans who dare to be 'Idolized'." Simon looked ready to argue, but Lex cut him off, "Now, as I was saying, this is the first annual-" He was once again interrupted, but this time it was from a loud thump. This thump sounded as if it came from the other side of the door. Lex strode over to the door and opened it wide. Out side stood a young man with long black hair tied back, and he wore a black cloak with red clouds on it, he was also rubbing his nose.

"This door lacks… the ability to open for me."

"Welcome Itachi," Lex motioned to the table. "Please, take a seat." As the door closed behind Itachi, the creaking noise it made almost sounded of laughter. "Now, back to business. This is the first annual Group of Bad People Set on doing Not Nice Things to Others Conference Meeting." Lex scanned the room, "Everyone has not yet assembled, but we already have a fierce host." He pointed to his left. "Who among any is not familiar with the mighty Darth Vader?"

Darth Vader raised a hand, " *Inhale* hey *exhale*".

Lex continued, "Along with the bane of the magical world, Voldemort." Everyone turned to see the dark wizard facing away form them all and gently petting his wand.

"Shh, we shall get him my precious…" Voldemort realized he was being watched and quickly stowed his wand and stayed quiet. Lex shifted uncomfortably.

"Right…" he looked to this right. "And of course we have the suited terrors, Agent Smith and the um… G-man." Both of them turned and looked at Luthor and simultaneously said, "Thank you, Mister Luthor."

Lex shift uncomfortably again, "Heh, and here we have Sephiroth." The silver haired man made no sign of recognition, or movement, in fact it was difficult to tell whether or not he was even breathing. Not waiting for the situation to get any more awkward, Lex went on.

"Next we have the reptilian master, Bowser."

Bowser roared and unleashed a small dose of flames, which caught the person next to him on fire. The person quickly removed his hooded robe and threw it to the ground and stomped it out. Strangely, he was wearing yet another dark hooded robe that hid his face underneath. Lex apologized, "I apologize. Sometimes he gets a little excited." The guy nodded and sat back down. Itachi was looking at him funny, either because the sight of him caused such a reaction, or perhaps his eye-sight was so forgone, no one knew.

"Who are you anyway?" He asked. The hooded figure sighed to himself and leaned back in his chair.

"I'm just the generic dark and scary hooded guy who no one knows his true identity until it is revealed in the plot at the perfect moment."

Smith leaned in and stared at him, "Hm, I don't believe I have seen you before." The hooded figure laughed.

"Sure you have, I'm everywhere. Anyone seen Kingdom Hearts? I sometimes subbed in for those organization guys when they had to call in sick."

Everyone around the table shared a stretched out, "Ah". The hooded figured slumped in his seat, "I've been trying to get my own gig, but no one wants a hooded bad guy that never gets revealed."

"Well, it's been working great for me." Death leaned back and rested his bony feat on the table.

"With all due respect Missster Death," G-man said in a flat calm tone. "Your publicity is infamousss." Death shrugged and made himself more comfortable. Simon, who was sitting rather close to Death, tried to slowly move his chair away.

"You know," Simon said. "I still don't know why I am-"

"That is enough, for enough is what I have had, and I have had plenty of it, enough that is." A small green ape with a flashy cape and large brain holder leapt on top of the table. "For you see I, Mojo jo jo, have waited for my introduction, and my introduction is what I have waited for. Yet it seemed my introduction would have waited for too long! So I, Mojo jo jo, will take the liberty, for it is the liberty I shall take to introduce myself. And in introducing myself, Mojo jo jo, I and proclaiming to all who I am so all will know. And to know who I am is to know me, Mojo-"

"Avada Kedavra!" A brilliant stream of green light struck the ape and he fell still. The brief silence was followed by clapping from everyone. Death stood up and lifted Mojo off the table and tossed him in a corner.

Lex cleared his throat, taking annoying long as usual, and tried to retain order. "Anyway, our first order of business as the Group of Bad People Set on doing Not Nice Things to Others is to… decide on a better name." There were murmurs of agreement. "Ok, I see that this is an excellent first topic. Any ideas? Anyone?" He looked around the room. "Hm? How about you, Sephiroth?" The complete lack of any motion still made it difficult to determine Sephiroth's living status. Silently questioning, everyone look to Death, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

A loud thump made everyone, excluding Sephiroth, jump in their seats. Lex was standing up to get the door when something teleported into the room. This something was not the kind of something that normally likes walking into doors that refuse to open for it, but then again who does. This something was humanoid in shape, white with a purple tail, and had only three fingers on each hand. Mewtwo hovered slightly over the floor with his arms crossed and looking disdainfully at the door. Lex spread his arms and welcomed the newcomer.

"Thank you for joining us Mewtwo. Please, have a seat." Mewtwo turned to look at the bald man.

"I'll have a seat if I damn well please!" The pokemon's mental voice was projected into everyone's head, and it was clear he was still irritated about running into the door. After a moment Mewtwo said, "And I just so happen to please." In a blink, he was sitting on the other side of Voldemort.

Lex was about to clear his throat again, but Smith stopped him.

"Spare us your throat exercises. I believe we have had quite enough of that, thank you."

"Ha, breathing exercises?" Mewtwo chuckled. "That's what I had your mother doing last night, Luthor." He turned and high-fived Voldemort.

"*Inhale* Now that's *exhale* uncalled for," Darth Vader said. The hooded figure scoffed.

"Yeah, like we're going to listen to Mr. Emo Vader over there." The hooded figure made crying gestures with his gloved hands. "Wah wah, they killed my mommy. Wah Wah, my wife died in labor. I think the saddest part is that you still wear a diaper."

Darth Vader stood up and started to force choke the hooded figure, "*Inhale* I was burned to a *exhale* crisp by my mentor! *Inhale* it's not my fault that *exhale* I can't always control my bowels." Everyone turned to stare at Vader.

"I don't believe he actually knew that," G-man said. Vader held his choke for a little longer than let go and sat down. The hooded figure was gasping and held his throat.

"Guh, I didn't have a second to rest."

"Neither did your mother, Luthor!" Mewtwo proclaimed and high-fived Voldemort again.

"Enough!" Lex slammed the table. "We need to decided on a name-"

The loudest thump yet stopped Lex. From behind the door, the room heard someone shout "You are not prepared!" which was quickly followed by the door being engulfed in green flames, to which Bowser clapped at. Into the room walked a tall figure with purple skin, wings, two large horns that curled, and a blindfold. Illidan Stormrage burst forth and scanned the room with his blind eyes. Agent Smith nudged G-man and whispered, "Check out the no eyed, two horned, flying purple people eater."

"Behold," Illidan shouted. "I am sorry for being late, but this _thing_ held me up." Waddling into the door frame was a fat kid wearing headphones. As soon as he got in sight, he began to sing.

"Miya-hee. Miya-hoo. Miya-hoe. Miya-haha. Numa Numa hey. Numa Numa Numa hey-"

"Avada Kedavra!" The Numa guy died on the spot and everyone clapped. As Death tossed the body into the corner, Simon Cowell covered his head and cried softly in his own lap.

Lex started to twitch. Illidan took his seat at the far end of the table as to keep his wings from knocking into anyone. While his seating was going on, Lex began to clear his throat again. However, a sharp look from Smith persuaded him to cease.

"Right, now we are lacking a proper name and a door!" Lex pointed to the still smoldering ashes of the once incorrigible door. "I rented this room, I'll have you know. Any damages that take place are my responsibility. As such you should show some respect-" Luthor's rant was cut short by a great big sneeze from the Koopa King. Bowser subsequently set three unused chair aflame. Luthor stood and raised his hands in the air and proclaimed, "Aw come on!" Everyone watched as the burning chairs slowly fell apart. None were willing to do something about it, but yet were entranced by the fire. Lex sighed and sat back down.

Once thoroughly content with watching the fire, Itachi turned and gave Lex a quizzical look. "Weren't there going to be snacks?" At the mention of food, everyone else removed their attention from the burning furniture and looked expectantly towards their host. Lex twitched again.

"We've just barely started the meeting. Refreshments are to be served after we've completed at least some business." The groups expectant looks quickly turned to angry looks that, to Luthor, said something along the lines of 'If you don't bring me food, I shall make an ashtray from your kneecap.' Since Lex was quite fond of having his kneecap firmly where it was, he decided that now was indeed snack time. He pressed a button on his belt and two carts wheeled themselves into the room. The trays came to rest behind Luthor who promptly stood and walked next to the mechanical trays.

"I hope you'll all enjoy this fresh treat. I stole them this morning from a local bakery." He then revealed the contents of the snack carts to be cakes. Each of the two carts held twenty cakes. Lex was looking quite proud of himself, when Mewtwo decided to speak up.

"Forty cakes. You stole forty cakes? You're like the richest man in Metropolis. Couldn't you have just bought some cakes?" A small vein appeared to throb in Luthor's head as he tried to contain himself.

"Fine, be that way. Let's see if you get any cakes!" Lex turned to hand out the cakes to everyone else, but was instead confronted by a man in a purple suit. "I don't recall inviting you."

The man turned around and showed his painted white face and big red smile.

"Why, the Joker needs no invitation." The Joker laughed crazily to himself. Taking a look at the cakes he said, "You know, my father was a baker… and a fiend. One night he goes a little crazier than usual, baking. Mommy eats some, trying to defend herself. He's doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit." Lex gives him a sideways glance.

"You know that doesn't even make sense." The Joke ignored him and scampered off. He got face level with the G-man. "You wanna know how I got these scars?" The Joker licked his lips and waited for a response. The G-man stared directly at him. He stared back. They stared at each other in silence for approximately one minute. "That's a no…" Joker said. "Well, I guess I'll just take my seat." He then danced his way toward one of the flaming chairs. With a gasp he jumped and started to spray water on it from a flower in his pocket. Lex whistled to himself and pretended nothing had happened and began to distribute the cakes. He walked around and placed a cake in front of everyone. However no one was eating, this puzzled Luthor until he sat down with his own cake and realized the problem. He had forgotten forks. Surely everyone was thinking that no good host hands out food obviously needing utensils without the needed utensils.

Luthor looked around and saw that the gathered villains were trying their best to consume the cakes, except for Sephiroth, who remained in a comatose like state, and the Joker, who was still attempting to squelch his burning seat. Some, like Smith and G-man, simply stared at their desserts, as if willing them to cut and serve themselves. The only people successful at this were Mewtwo and Voldemort, who had no problem floating the cake into their mouths. Others cared not for the lack of utensils. Bowser and Illidan grabbed the cakes and ate by the fistful. Death was inventive in using his scythe to carve it into slices. Deciding that the situation was not as bad as he originally thought, Luthor began contemplating his own method of eating cake.

"Jesus!" Luthor looked up to see who had proclaimed, but instead saw the physical manifestation of said proclamation. Jesus himself was standing in the doorway. Every villain, well almost every villain, backed up either trying to hide or preparing some kind of attack. Death was actually rolling around on the floor, as if in agony. Luthor sat there with his jaw hanging loose. Jesus laughed softly.

"Now now, there is nothing to worry about. I'm just here to fix the door." The villains settled a little bit but were still unsure of the situation. Death continued to roll around. Other than that, no one moved. The room stood still for ten minutes as Jesus brought in a new door, attached it by the hinges and generally did exactly as he said he would do. When he was done, he opened and closed the door several times to test it.

"There we go." Jesus collected his tools and began to set out. "Sorry for interrupting your meeting. I do carpentry jobs on the weekends to help out. You know what I mean. That feeling you get from knowing you assisted someone else. Ah, there's nothing quite like it. Bye now!" With a wave Jesus walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. Death climbed back into his chair and appeared to breath heavily, which is odd for skeletons to do. The rest of the room took their seats and sat stunned for a few moments. The hooded robe man was the first to break the silence.

"We should have had him fix the burning chairs while he was at it." Several people stared at him like he was an idiot. "What?" Shaking their heads, they looked back to their cakes to realize they had lost all appetite. Lex saw this as an opportunity.

"Perhaps now we can get some work done. Now about a new name-"

"MOTHER!" Sephiroth screamed and was now standing, reaching for the ceiling. This loud exclamation, especially from the most solemn of them once again shocked the group of villains. After another few moments, Sephiroth took his seat and returned to his usual state. This, as it seemed, was the last straw for Lex Luthor.

"That's it! I can't handle you people any more. You're all crazy unorganized mad men." With this, Lex began collecting his papers and shoving them into folders. "We can't get a single name decided upon. There is no way this will work." He rushed over to the door and threw it open. "Good day to all of you!" With a slam, Luthor was gone.

No one said anything. Everyone shifted uncomfortable, perhaps feeling guilty for chasing off their host. Their host, who had only wanted to do some simple business, who even provided cake, had stormed away. They sat their in the silence, thinking about what they had done. The Joker turned to Death and asked:

"You wanna know how I got these scars?"


End file.
